Restart

I leave for basic training in about eight weeks. I am not nervous. I am not scared. I feel hopeful and my excitement is growing. I have done everything that I can think of to find work in the past two years or so. Wether it was creating a custom contemporary furniture store, working at Whole Foods, or becoming a dairy farmer, nothing has come together. I have been turned down by several restaurants, WallMart passed on me, I was disqualified from selling Verizon door to door- I have turned in scores of applications and handed my resume out more times than I can recall. To get hired on at Whole Foods, I submitted more than forty applications. One of the reasons for my silence here is that it has become embarrassing to share my ideas because none of my hopes, dreams, or calculations have come to fruition. I don't have it in me to put the blame elsewhere in an effort to explain what's wrong. I, also, don't have the urge to chastise myself for falling short. (That's not to say that I don't feel emasculated, and very much like a failure). I know that circumstance and the economy are the biggest factors in it all. I know, and my friends know that I am talented, intelligent, competent, and a blessing as an employee. It is difficult to convince potential employers of that when: I have been out of work for several months; I worked at Whole Foods for less than a year; I was unemployed for lots of months before Whole Foods; The Furniture Room before that is out of business; CJI (my residential construction company) was self-employment that is no longer in business; and The Custom Shop, my employer prior to CJI, also went bankrupt. If all of that didn't leave me looking a little shady on paper, I guess the guy standing next to me seems a little more desirable/hirable than I (all things being the same) when the background check comes back with a misdemeanor of Cruelty to Animals. (For those of you who do not know me well, I am not cruel to animals, I was arrested for intervening on behalf of a dog that was being abused- but it is a mar on my record that sounds really bad and typically disqualifies me regardless of my explanation).

I have lost my house, all of the possessions that my family of six owns fits in a one car garage, and I have had to go, tail between my legs (a posture with which I am completely unfamiliar) and ask my wife's Aunt and Uncle to house us until I can get us back on our feet. I can feel the unspoken daily pressure, of the burning question, of why I haven't found a job yet, on their minds. I feel like gnawing my hand from my arm with the madness of cabin fever settling in. I can't really afford to take my family anywhere, and I feel guilty to "treat" myself to any kind of reprieve until I am gainfully employed (yes, that includes cigars with the rare exception of the times when a friend has purchased one for me). I am grateful to Tiffanie's wonderful Aunt and Uncle for keeping a roof over our heads, but I am ashamed, and I am uncomfortable.

I know, none of this is desirable to read. If I have interest in having any kind of a following at all for this blog, I may have done myself a huge disservice by penning the above. It's just a quick update to bring ya'll up to speed. I am coming out of blogging retirement because I finally believe that the worst is behind us. I realize that the future will be difficult, but it will be difficult in ways that are enabling. I am willing to be miserable for my family. It seems mad, however, to be miserable for my family if that misery does not lead to a higher standard of living for them. The army may make me miserable, but I am excited because my misery will finally provide: a steady income, ongoing education, future opportunities, a possible career, and greater desirability on a resume.

Thanks to all of you have been supportive in prayer and encouragement. Just know that while circumstance has not been the substance of felicity, we are not downtrodden and are hopeful (with cause) for the wonderful future.

I think I should get that tattoo of Job on my arm soon...