There is nothing wrong with grief. It is not
pleasant, but if you learn how to appreciate it, you can keep the memories
preserved in your heart as treasures.
We rush to forget.
We ought to be endeavoring to remember well,
and constructively.
You are going to have to learn the
following:
One can only love to the degree one can
gracefully endure (savor?) pain. If you are numb to pain, you will not have the
capacity to love. That is not to say that love equals pain, but only that one
who can't smell also can't taste; one's olfactory facilitates both smell and
taste.
Learn the art of treasuring your history;
all the bits compose you.
My mom died when I was 18
I am angry with her because she did not
fight her cancer (she refused treatment, mostly)
I am proud of her for dying on her terms
My dad cheated on her while in the ministry;
multiple times. She thought she should not divorce him, because she wanted to
please God.
She loved Jesus more than anyone I have ever
known
Her way out was not divorce but death
enduringly loyal
God
Dad
community
Us
I hate that decision
enduringly loyal
God
Dad
community
Us
I hate that decision
I admire
her strength
her resolve
I am exceedingly angry at her because she
has never held any of my precious children, and wept with love as they embraced
her
they have never tasted her tears of adoration
I reflect on my life and the way she would
have meddled with my adult years.
because of that I am grateful she is not here
I miss her
I want to call her up and tell her silly
stupid things
I want to share my grades with her
I'm grateful she wasn't here to endure
witnessing the way life has beat me up
I long for her and my wife to be besties
(They would've gotten along so well, and my
mom would have adored Tiffanie)
I had a dream that was so real, so vivid,
after she died.
It took several minutes for me to realize it
was only a dream, after I awoke
In my dream she had clawed her way out of
the grave and described to me how she had been buried before she was dead
& & &
She cried a little
we talked a lot
and then I told her something akin to:
I love you.
I have moved on with my life though.
I don't know how to fit you in to my life
any longer.
I was angry with myself for being so hard
I couldn't deny my very real feelings and
belief that I needed to move on
guilt
sorrow
relief
pain
heart racing
so many emotions; so much visceral response
I hold a conflict of emotions as I live a
life which is utterly honoring to her (intentionally)
She is still deserving of nothing less
she was a whole person
complete
confusing
complex
nuanced
I should feel about her
in a way that expresses my appreciation of all of that
to only long for her
to only be angry
’TO ONLY’…
is too reductionist
she ought not be reduced
and the whole pallet of colors, the whole
spectrum of all must be employed when I feel and remember
otherwise she is only a ghost of thought
I love her
My conflict is mine
My conflict is a memorial
In conflict I love
My love is true
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