Parenting can be a tricky endeavor. Parenting is a personal expression, and I believe in the sovereignty of each parent to express his or her parenting in his or her own unique way. The most fulfilling compliments I ever receive always involve the good behavior of our children. Well-behaved children don’t come easily; having well-behaved children takes intentionality and a lot of hard work. I've decided to share some of my thoughts, and some of the methods my wife and I use in our daily parenting.
The other day, we had to take one of the kids in to see the pediatrician. Since most of them are still pretty young, we took the whole crew; all six kids. After the exam, the pediatrician complimented us on our beautiful family and asked how we managed to keep them so well-behaved. I responded: “We don’t negotiate and we never make idle threats.” Though that response is true, and is essential to raising well-mannered children, it is not the whole story. There are several other key elements we employ in our efforts to raise well-behaved children.
Our foundational elements did not come about easily. In part, they were developed as my wife and I courted long distance. We discussed how we would raise children and how we would discipline them. We read and researched. When it was our turn to parent, we watched and emulated. We watched and took notes of everything we didn’t want to do. Sometimes we succeeded. Sometimes we failed (the best instructor of all). Following are some of the ideas and principles that have guided us.
Our foundational elements did not come about easily. In part, they were developed as my wife and I courted long distance. We discussed how we would raise children and how we would discipline them. We read and researched. When it was our turn to parent, we watched and emulated. We watched and took notes of everything we didn’t want to do. Sometimes we succeeded. Sometimes we failed (the best instructor of all). Following are some of the ideas and principles that have guided us.
Law making:
The rules of the house and their substance is very important. I have observed many parents arbitrarily throwing out terms like no and stop usually in response to an undesired behavior which goes against the parents' comfort, or convenience. Parenting that way encourages children to have expectations calibrated on self-centered gain. My wife and I have thought long and hard about the rules we make and keep.
We came up with two foundational principles upon which all of our rules are based. The principles are often, and clearly, articulated so that our children aren't just learning 'what' things displease us, or make us happy (the trap I believe most parents fall victim to), but 'how' to do the right thing. Our goal is to teach them 'how' to think, and to implement morality. 'What' to think is not our first priority.
Our first principle of rule-making is individual and collective safety (we abbreviate this principle by calling it 'danger'). We base rules on the idea of creating safety, and avoiding danger. This principle is intended for both the individual, and for the collective whole; we want our children to be aware of personal safety, and to be aware of the safety of those around. Our second guiding principle is nick-named 'relationship'. 'Relationship' is about one’s behavior, and how it must add to the positive, or constructive, experience of those around; one's behavior must not leave someone else's experience compromised or negatively impacted. 'Relationship' is the principle under which we require our children to chew with their mouths closed (it's about an awareness of those around). It’s this principle upon which we stand for things like: not screaming in public, not running in stores, or speaking rudely. 'Relationship' is the catch-all category under which we insist that our children make choices that build healthy relationships, and avoid choices which act corrosively against healthy, or potentially healthy relationships. We are quick to point out that all evil committed in history has the common thread of broken relationships.
We allow our children to argue, as long as the argument is productive, and doesn’t violate our principles. They are not, however, allowed to be petty or coercive. We insist that our kids do chores, and keep their areas tidy. Though each of the rules that govern chores and tidiness can roughly fall under our two main principles, our practical goal is to teach our children methods of productivity, self expression, and the empowerment of being able to accomplish activities with excellence, and with a sense of rugged individualism, all while working well in a group or team.
Unfortunately, decreed rules and principles are not enough. Rules and principles must be initially enforced before they become natural. That brings us to the matter of punishment and discipline.
Punishment must never be wrought of vengeance. It must not serve self-centered gain. It should not be implemented to make one 'pay' for what he or she has done wrong, nor to balance the imbalance which impropriety seems to create. Punishment does not right wrongs. Punishment is not a reconciliation of badness in some cosmic auditing system.
The goal of punishment is to stop incorrect behavior, and to reset it for correctness; it creates the possibility of redemptive living. This is important because it teaches the child’s mind the proper place for justice, and the necessity for the occasional use of measured violence (I mean 'violence' philosophically; an interruption of the status quo, and a resetting of the direction one is going. I am not advocating physical harm). It is essential for a healthy individual to believe that he or she has the power to ward off victimization and sometimes that can only occur with justifiable violence. This is where my response to the pediatrician comes in to play. When punishing our children, we don’t negotiate terms. The punishment is predetermined. The standard punishment is consistent, and almost always the same, regardless of the infraction. We do have an exception for lying. Lying merits a double measure.
We make no idle threats. Obedience to known rules brings about the known consequence; period. There are cases where my wife and I choose to exercise greater wisdom, and decide that punishment won’t bring about the desired affect of behavior-resetting. We realize that sometimes grace and mercy are better agents for resetting than punishment. In our home, punishment always comes with much dialogue. It is necessary that the child not only know for what he or she is being punished, but that he or she understands the implications of his or her behavior, and the philosophic end of those actions.
Above all, the most important ingredient of punishment is compassion. Our children, once punished, are always shown affection. We tell our children that we love them, we hug them, and we make sure they understand that we see what they have done separately from who they are. We explain that we punish to bring out their best which is the opposite of patronization or condescension; we value them and their ability to behave correctly, their ability to make wise decisions, and their ability to understand. One of the ways we can express that is by holding them to a standard. We respect them enough to treat them with consistency, and love them enough to do what it takes for them to not be judged by others according to their indiscretions, but rather, to be judged on the beautiful characters they have each learned to express and display.
The goal of punishment is to stop incorrect behavior, and to reset it for correctness; it creates the possibility of redemptive living. This is important because it teaches the child’s mind the proper place for justice, and the necessity for the occasional use of measured violence (I mean 'violence' philosophically; an interruption of the status quo, and a resetting of the direction one is going. I am not advocating physical harm). It is essential for a healthy individual to believe that he or she has the power to ward off victimization and sometimes that can only occur with justifiable violence. This is where my response to the pediatrician comes in to play. When punishing our children, we don’t negotiate terms. The punishment is predetermined. The standard punishment is consistent, and almost always the same, regardless of the infraction. We do have an exception for lying. Lying merits a double measure.
We make no idle threats. Obedience to known rules brings about the known consequence; period. There are cases where my wife and I choose to exercise greater wisdom, and decide that punishment won’t bring about the desired affect of behavior-resetting. We realize that sometimes grace and mercy are better agents for resetting than punishment. In our home, punishment always comes with much dialogue. It is necessary that the child not only know for what he or she is being punished, but that he or she understands the implications of his or her behavior, and the philosophic end of those actions.
Above all, the most important ingredient of punishment is compassion. Our children, once punished, are always shown affection. We tell our children that we love them, we hug them, and we make sure they understand that we see what they have done separately from who they are. We explain that we punish to bring out their best which is the opposite of patronization or condescension; we value them and their ability to behave correctly, their ability to make wise decisions, and their ability to understand. One of the ways we can express that is by holding them to a standard. We respect them enough to treat them with consistency, and love them enough to do what it takes for them to not be judged by others according to their indiscretions, but rather, to be judged on the beautiful characters they have each learned to express and display.
Sometimes there are gray areas. Take tattling is a good example. Tattling leaves the one being tattled on vulnerable, and is almost always vengeance motivated, or attention-seeking on the part of the tattler; there is no tolerance for it in our home. We refuse to be pit against one child in favor of another. We insist that our kids not tattle on their siblings, or friends. We insist that our children stick together, and work things out internally as much as is reasonable. There is a caveat. The caveat is that, if potential danger can be avoided, or if another’s actions are causing eminent danger, an adult must be notified to provide protection. That covers matters of sexual impropriety, bullying, threats of harm from others, things that are told in confidence which they know are red flags... etc.
In the end, good parenting is an other-centered endeavor where parents impart their best into children, and creatively use structure to teach them how to not be self-centered. Good parenting seeks to equip, train, model, prepare, instruct, shape, and coax children into being able to have the freedom of, and ability to, fully express their individuality while living out their full potential. Good parenting is about savoring every moment with one’s children, remembering that something cannot be savored until the heart is intent on appreciation, and until the object being savored is lovingly drawn into it’s greatest
In the end, good parenting is an other-centered endeavor where parents impart their best into children, and creatively use structure to teach them how to not be self-centered. Good parenting seeks to equip, train, model, prepare, instruct, shape, and coax children into being able to have the freedom of, and ability to, fully express their individuality while living out their full potential. Good parenting is about savoring every moment with one’s children, remembering that something cannot be savored until the heart is intent on appreciation, and until the object being savored is lovingly drawn into it’s greatest
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