Balancing Life While Staying True to Self.

I am in school and I have several online courses.  In my online courses, I am required to interact with the other students through a series of posts.  In one of my social work classes a student asked me about how to balance systems (the things which spread us thin in life) while staying true to self.  The following was my response:

Ahh, those pesky life-experiences…  You wrote about remaining true to self. My very first thought is that it is those life experiences which make up who we are.  Our identity, in part, is made up of a series experiences, good and bad.  Those memories exist whether we recall them or not; they are a part of us.  The trick is in the recalling of memory.  In order to know who we are, and to not be obscured by this universe, we must rehash our life-events; the memories which make us who we are. That retelling can be called a narrative.  How we retell our memories makes all of the difference.

The first, and most important, rule is that the retelling (the recalling) must be truthful and honest. Denial is counterproductive.  Truth and honesty, however, do not necessarily have to be harsh, they just must be accurate (precision is not always necessary).  Okay, what I mean is that our retelling can be productive or counterproductive; resiliency is related to what we do with our experiences.  It has to do with how we file them away and recall them.

I firmly believe that the art of living has something to do with learning to savor and appreciate every moment for the role it plays in the making of who we are.  Savor is a good word, it lends itself nicely to food illustrations.  Think of a cook, now think of ingredients as experiences (memories), the arrangement of those ingredients, and the timing of those ingredients is crucial to a savory meal; the arrangement and the timing (cooking) is the narrative.  What must be said is that there must be a combination of ingredients, which by themselves may not be desirable, if there is to be a pleasurable food experience.  Mexican cuisine, at its best, is full of wonderful spice.  The spice is not present, however, for bragging rights.  It is there to enhance the other flavors, to work a balance on a plane of experience which otherwise can’t be reached, it awakens the palate to be able to process the other ingredients which have been carefully and intentionally placed, but which otherwise could not be experienced. Chilies on their own, are not pleasurable; they must be paired with other ingredients (even if it is just salt).  The point is that life presents adversity (chilies?) and we must savor that adversity, which is done by placing those moments strategically and tactically with other memories.  I am rambling…

Last point, the more advicey point… The reason, or the motive behind what we do makes all of the difference.  I do nothing from a sense of guilty emotion.  Guilty emotion just is not productive.  The awareness of true moral guilt and an appropriate response is different than feeling guilty and acting on it. I am motivated relationally.  I tell my kids (truthfully), that they are how I survived basic training in the Army.  I joined the Army when I was thirty-seven, my thirty-eighth birthday was in the middle of a physically straining and mentally taxing process. There were a couple of marches in the dead of blizzard conditions which were tough for me.  With each step I took I would say: “I love you God (step), I love you Tiffanie (step), I Love you Samuel (step), I love you Anna (step), I love you Emma (step), I love you Uriah (step)…”  I joined so I could provide for those I love.  I focused my energy on the why I was there, and that is how I got through.  If your why is always a who, you will be more successful.  The who can be God, self, and/ or others (being self-centered can take you to the goal, but produces the least amount of meaningfulness).  I would not be nearly as disciplined as I am right now if it was not of necessity.  I do what I do, as I have time, so I can be the best Adam, the best husband, father, son, brother, friend, student, employee I can be.  I am not reduced because my labor is for a cause, the cause is those with whom I have surrounded myself who are worthy of me investment.

I realize that I didn’t present much practical advice.  I think the practical comes from an understanding of how things work, and it is custom to the person and situation.  Principle trumps particulars because it is flexible enough to arrange the particulars as needed.